Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Someone shattered a urinal.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
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