even my farts smell like vagina
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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