I think I died a long time ago.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
