Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
