You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
