her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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