Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
