**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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