is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
