i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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