from now on my penis is your penis
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
