Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
A bitchslap is in order.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
