my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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