If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have surprise drugs for everyone
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
