listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There's always time for handjobs
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
