I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
