no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
