my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
