My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
