so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
