The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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