I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
