Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
