I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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