I think my fart just growled at me.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
