When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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