I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
