Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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