Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
