Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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