Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
