I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
