The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
3pm strippers are depressing
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
