i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
