the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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