Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
