Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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