I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My ATM looks so different sober.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
