I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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