I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
