i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
