Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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