There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
