good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just had sex bonerless
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
