I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
