If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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