Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
