I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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