We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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