I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
